The longer I think about it, the more upset I am that Ezra won't be an EBF baby. It seems that this is just one more thing in a long list that I gave Canaan but cannot give to his brother. Ever since Ezra's birth, when he was denied the chance to be laid naked and new on my chest, I have felt that somehow, I am failing him. When I let the nurse wheel him into the hall and tend to him so that I could sleep, I felt like I was giving him up. All of those diapers that I couldn't change because I couldn't even lean forward...all of the times I was too weak to hold him. I didn't even look into his eyes until he was almost 3 hours old.
I love both of my sons, but every time I place a bottle nipple into his mouth, I feel such a distance...one that I never felt with Canaan.
Last night, for the first time, I felt truly bonded with Ezra. We sat up in the night and I felt such a rush of love for my tiny second-born that I never wanted to let him go. It let me know that there is always something...you will love each child more than the others, in different ways.